I Are Gladiator
Season 4, Episode 3
Screen Shot 2016-11-04 at 11.53.47 PM
Air date December 15, 1998
Written by Maxwell Atoms
Directed by David Feiss
Episode guide
I Am Cliched
Revolutionary Weasel

I Are Gladiator is the third episode of the fourth season of I Am Weasel. In this episode, Weasel and I.R. battle each other as gladiators in Ancient Roman times.


In Ancient Rome, Weasel is a highly popular gladiator. One day, his fellow opponent, Chet, has fallen ill and cannot participate in today's gladiatorial battle. At first, Weasel is left without an opponent to fight, due to his friend's illness, and worries over the situation. Fortunately, he spots Baboon shaving a mule nearby and rushes to ask Baboon to become a gladiator for today. Despite that Baboon does not know the actual term, he accepts Weasel's request (believing he has heard 'glad' in 'gladiator').

It is now time for the fight to begin, and Emperor Gluteus Maximus (the Red Guy) takes his seat and admires his people, just as the MC, acting like a wrestling ring announcer, then introduces Weasel and Baboon to the public. For their choice of weapons, Weasel chooses a sturgeon, while Baboon chooses a custard pie. However, Weasel smashes Baboon's pie with his sturgeon and goes in to attack him, just as Weasel points the true role of a gladiator to Baboon. Baboon runs for his life with Weasel running close behind. He stops behind a wall and chooses a sausage as his new weapon. Baboon clashes his sausage against Weasel's sturgeon and innocently asks him what he has ever done to hurt Weasel. Weasel continues to explain although gladiatorial fighting is rather barbaric, it provides excitement and action to the crowd, all while beating him at the same time.

The crowd cheers for Weasel's victory, but not for long when Baboon gets back up and prepares to fight back against Weasel, who slices the top of his opponent's sausage. Baboon panics once more, but Weasel is able to toss a net to catch Baboon. The Emperor now gives Weasel the order to kill Baboon once and for all. Before Weasel is able to annihilate his foe, he catches the sight of Baboon's helpless look on his face. Weasel decides to toss his weapon away and spare his friend's life. He goes on to state that it is wrong to kill an innocent life, in the case of I.R. Baboon. The Red Guy forces Weasel to slay him, but Weasel declines. The angered General punishes Weasel and Baboon by sending the lions out to kill them. Weasel tries to use passive resistance with Baboon, but it fails to work, since the lions begin mauling the two friends.

Six hours later, the crowd has grown tired of the match, and the two lions, Carl and Larry, decide to eat the rear-ended ruler instead. The two lions attack him as expected, while a battered and bruised Weasel points out to I.R. that no one officially wins in a gladiatorial battle. The Red Guy points out to his manservant that he is now involved in being attacked, despite that he is severely bruised in places.


  • Michael Dorn as I.M. Weasel
  • Charlie Adler as I.R. Baboon/Red Guy/Crowd
  • Tom Kane as Emcee
  • Dee Bradley Baker as Carl/Crowd/Chet/Roman Soldier
  • Tom Kenny as Crowd/Larry/Hot Dog Vendor/Woman
  • Red's manservant
  • Red's bodyguards
  • Weasel's female servant